Not Enough

I seem to be going through this nostalgic blast from the past with music.  This morning when I was at Challenge, I found myself singing and thinking of New Found Glory, No Doubt, and Simple Life songs.  I'm not sure what exactly is going on in my life that makes me think of these songs, but one thing that I do know is that thinking about these songs definitely brings up lots of memories.  

Lately, I've been feeling a lot like I used to in my early undergrad days.(not that it was that long ago)  I don't have any specific memories that come to mind but more of a sense of who I am.  It's weird to be feeling like this after learning so much and thinking that I've grown out of "younger/childish" things.  Isn't it true that when we usually think about our younger selves that we often reflect about how naive, rash, or just plain dumb we were?  I know that when I go back and read past journal entries from junior high or high school I can't get over how dumb I was and how embarrassing it would be for anyone to read the stuff I wrote.  Yet, here I am pondering how similar my feel and I guess essence of who I am now is much like I was 8 years ago.  And I can honestly say that being in this feeling or sense of life is a good thing.  

A song that I thought about that best sums up how this posture or attitude toward life affects me is "Not Enough," by Our Lady Peace.  If you're reading this close to the publish date then you're probably hearing it right now.  

For the longest time, 2 years, I've been in this kind of funk.  I haven't really been myself, or how I think of myself since I got back from my last deployment.  I've been living fearfully.  I haven't really been living!  Right now I feel more like myself than I have in the past 4 years!  I feel alive.  And in so many ways since I left in 2007 I've been settling for less than what I should.  I haven't pushed myself.  I  haven't been able to just be me in the fullest sense of who I am pushing my limits to be more than I am.  I lost that drive, desire and passion to have more.  

True, sometimes a drive for more can be bad.  But this is where I can see the result of the last four years of character development kick in.  4 years ago when I "wanted more" it was all really for personal gain.  I was very much living to make my name great.  I was very much living to make myself comfortable.  And during that four year reflection and growing period it was very difficult to come to grips with that fact and learn to finally be honest with myself.  I felt like a sham and a lie.  But what makes matters worse, is that a lot of people around me were okay with that.  Okay with me being less that who I am supposed to be.  Okay with me being mediocre, just being less!  When I would fall short or even screw up no one pushed me to become better to do what I was truly capable of.  I would make excuses for myself and my mediocrity.  People didn't even seem to care.  

Something that has always been characteristic of me in the past is that I always wanted to be with and around the best.  I might not be the best, but I always figured that if I was around the best that some of them would rub off on me.  That I could learn being around the best.  But the last four years I settled on being just better than most people.  Or just being better than the people around me.  I became stagnant.  I wasn't bringing my "A" game to the table with God.  My attitude and posturing toward Him was all wrong.  The sacrifice I brought wasn't a complete or pleasing sacrifice because I was holding on to disobedience.   But God doesn't want part of us.  And God definitely deserves more than just partial obedience.  God deserves more than a half try.  Jesus gave Himself for us completely.  A complete sacrifice.  In view of this how can I give any less?

For this reason, this song captures that shift and change in me.  That desire for more.  Knowing what God has done for me overwhelms me with thankfulness.  It overwhelms me with a sense of awe and fills me with the confidence of knowing that Christ lives in me.  This Christ, my Savior, the one who overcame the grave.  The one who triumphed over the curse of sin through his sacrifice on the cross.  He lives in me and He desires me to live in Him!  Now my desire for more, to be the best is to be the best me that I can be.  To fully be who God created me to be.  Whereas before I would do to simply benefit and bring glory to myself, now I desire to do and be the best because I want more of Christ in me.  I don't have to live in the fear of my inability or weakness.  I rejoice more now in my weakness knowing that when I accept the challenge of faith that Christ fills me and lifts me up above what Tim is capable.  I'm not living for the best that Tim can do, I'm living for what Christ intended me for.  I 'm living for what Christ can do through me.

So now my attitude toward life is, "it's not enough."  After all my God is the God who gives strength to the weak.  He is the one who renews the strength of those who hope in the Lord.  My God is the Everlasting God, the infinite!  I can't ever be too full or given too much.  I want more!  Living in fear and restraint of who God made me to be and intends me to be isn't good enough.  Living to just get by..."It's not Enough."