Preface
Discipleship is a vast all encompassing topic, hundreds of thousands of volumes have been written about this topic from both a systematic and biblical theology approach. Several more born out of practical experience, the nature of this document is of the latter and seeks to explain discipleship within the constraints of very broad categories and observations. Moreover, this document seeks to provide a basic shell or outline for discipleship to assist people who have little or no experience with discipleship. The following template and points are by no means hard and fast rules, rather the following are simple principles meant to help kick off a productive and intentional discipleship relationship.
Intentionally Developing Maturity
Typically, the dynamics in a discipleship relationship is one between an older more experienced Christian with a younger less experienced Christian. However, this hierarchy of discipleship isn’t always determined by age. Recognizing that Christ is the head of the church (body of believers) and our true discipler should rid us of any notion of pride or arrogance in a discipleship relationship. (Col 1:28-29) Every believer should seek to be like our Lord Jesus Christ in every area of our lives. This view of Christian life should drastically alter how we think of discipleship.
Christ has uniquely gifted every member of His body to build up and equip the rest of the Church. (1 Cor 12, Eph 4:1-16) Growth in our relationship with Jesus Christ can’t be separated from our relationships with other people. The proper way in which how we treat others is informed by the Word of God. However, it isn’t simply enough to know something from scripture. We must apply what we’ve learned in scripture to how we live. This is where other members of the Body of Christ come into play. Our relationships with the other members of Christ’s Body give us the opportunity to practice living out scriptural truths in relation to other believers. Our persistence in faith and Christ allows the Holy Spirit to cultivate spiritual fruit within us.
Each of us has different personalities and character traits that come naturally to us. This means that certain habits and behaviors conducive to living a Spirit filled life will come to some people more easily than others. None of us are perfect and none of us will have a handle on every aspect of our lives. This is why we are asked to, “in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.” (Phil 2:3-4) We may struggle with sin in a particular area of our life, but someone we know might not. So what we should do is seek out those who are strong in our weakness to help us grow. This eliminates the necessity of having an older person to disciple you. We no longer pay attention to the age of a person but to the outworking power of the Holy Spirit in the lives of the believers around us allowing Jesus Christ Himself to disciple us using other members of His body.
This model of intentional discipleship needn’t be limited to areas of sin we struggle in, but can also apply to growing in spiritual disciplines or character traits of the Spirit we lack. The key to growth in a discipleship relationship is intentionality and intentionality is required on the part of both the disciple (Matt 6:33; Jer 29:33, 33:3; Jam 1:5) and the discipler. (Rom 5:8; John 3:16)
Disciple
If we profess to be disciples we must be willing to submit our lives to inspection by the Lord Jesus Christ through prayer and scripture. Through this the Holy Spirit will reveal the areas of our life that are still enslaved to sin. (Heb 4:12) This examination of scripture will also reveal to us how we can be more conformed to the image of Jesus by developing certain character traits that exhibit themselves through certain behaviors. (Jam 2:14-26)
Once we’ve recognized the areas of our weakness, we should look to the example of members of Christ’s body that show strength in the areas that we are weak. This act forces us to do two things: the first is that we must examine our interaction with the Body of Christ. Who have we surrounded ourselves with? Do we only know and spend time with Christians that completely agree with and act as we do? Have we surrounded ourselves with people that are weak in the same area of sin as us? Do we only spend time with people that are at the same maturity level as us? If this is true then there are several problems that we face. How can we expect to find help and accountability to overcome a sin that someone else hasn’t yet had victory in? A slave can’t lead a slave to freedom.
The second and natural outgrowth of our examination of how we interact with the Body of Christ is a decision to submit our life to the inspection and accountability of another believer bringing to light the sin that keeps us from living in the freedom Christ gave to us by His death on the Cross. (Gal 5:1; Jam 5:13-16, 19-20)
Discipler
To be a discipler requires more humility and maturity than a disciple, simply because there is a great deal more responsibility for what we say and do. (Jam 3:1-2) Some of the pitfalls that accompany discipleship is pride that clouds judgment, a pride that blinds us from pursuing our own growth and hurts the growth of the one we disciple. One of the hardest things for a discipler to do is to recognize what areas they aren’t equipped or unable to help their disciple in. We need to know our own limits and ‘in humility’ refer our disciple to someone that has better knowledge and maturity in the area of struggle.
A discipler must also be an unselfish person. Discipleship takes time and effort so consider the cost before being quick to answer yes to someone that asks. Don’t be too hasty in trying to find someone if you aren’t prepared to make the necessary sacrifices of time to dedicate to pouring into the person. However, don’t use the excuse of preparedness to put off discipling someone because to not disciple means disobedience to the command of Jesus Christ our discipler and Lord. (Matt 28:18-20; John 14:21)
Balance in Discipleship
A tenuous balance must be found in the burden the disciple and the discipler bears. I think the nature of this equilibrium is best described by Galatians 6:1-6:
“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. 4 Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, 5 for each one should carry his own load.
6 Anyone who receives instruction in the word must share all good things with his instructor. [1]”
Relationship is a two way street and both the disciple and discipler should benefit from the relationship. The picture we see in Galatians 6(and many other scriptures cited above) is one of mutual submission to one another that rests in a humility and surrender to Christ. (Col 2:9-19) Both parties are acting out of mutual concern and love for one another keeping one another accountable. The emphasis of family and team are shown in carrying one another’s burdens so that no part of the body is alone in what they experience. Everyone in the body of Christ should be affected by what happens to another part of the body. We should have concern for one another, this concern is born out of love and shown in how we act towards one another. There is no room for pride or deceit in the body of Christ. We are all humbled and stand equal in the shadow of the cross. Our goal isn’t to be better than the people around us; our goal is to be made into the image and likeness of Holy God. Therefore, we should never be content or stagnant in our spiritual growth because there is always room to grow. The Christian life isn’t about competition to outdo other believers. We are one team, one family all living for the same purpose of making Jesus Christ known through how we live our lives to bring Him glory. Everyone should be pulling their own weight, we aren’t supposed to place all of our problems or the responsibility for our lives on someone else. Each of us is responsible for our own actions and should carry our own load. If we dump everything on others and never give thought to the issues occurring in the lives of those around us or think that our problem is more important than others then we are wrapped in a shroud of selfishness. Acting selfishly contradicts the law of Christ by responding to members of the body of Christ without true love. Relationship is a two way street and the disciple should encourage and edify the discipler just as the discipler teaches the disciple.
Things to Consider Before Committing
The way we approach meetings/sessions in a discipleship relationship should be organic. Several factors must be considered such as personality, spiritual maturity, goals, teaching and learning styles. We can’t treat everyone that we disciple the same because they aren’t all the same. Before committing to a long-term discipleship relationship it is best to have an initial meeting to give both the disciple and discipler the opportunity to feel each other out. The disciple has to be willing to submit to instruction from the discipler. The discipler must be willing to teach and spend time with the disciple. The initial meeting will allow both parties to gauge compatibility as well as determine what kind of discipleship relationship they will share.
There are three general roles a discipler plays in the life of a disciple:
1. Coach
2. Mentor
3. Counselor
Each of these roles may not be manifested in a relationship at the same time. The role of the discipler really is determined by the life circumstances of the disciple. It is up to the discipler to be attentive to the needs of the disciple and adjust to switching into the role that will best serve the disciple. However, there is some responsibility on the part of the disciple as well. Disciplers aren’t mind readers so if the disciple knows what type of help they need verbalize the need and make it clear to the discipler.
*It must be noted that sometimes a disciple may think they need the discipler to act in a role that really wouldn’t benefit them. This is where humility comes into play where the disciple must be receptive to the insight of the discipler. Likewise the discipler must not be puffed up with pride thinking that they’ve nailed down exactly what needs to happen. The discipler also needs to be receptive to the input of the disciple so that he is still serving the disciple and not himself.
Coach
A coach is a developer. A coach will see the possible potential of an individual to excel and begin to develop stratagems to allow and individual to capitalize on their strengths and compensate or grow their weaknesses. A coach challenges and pushes growth towards excellence. A coach gives a realistic and objective assessment of the performance of an individual. A coach is quick to encourage and praise that which the individual does well, but is just as quick to point out areas of growth. The coach comes up with a plan that he shares with the individual to help them grow. A coach is a hands-on teacher that leads by example. The success in the realm of coaching is both tangible and measurable.
Mentor
A mentor is a resource of experience and wisdom. A mentor is a subject matter expert ready to give sound advice to the mentee. A mentor lends insight and clarity to situations and circumstances that are unclear to the mentee. A mentor is an objective voice of reason combating the impulse and emotions that weigh in on decisions. A mentor is a focused listener sifting through the random bits of information to piece together a comprehensive and realistic view of situations. A mentor is an encourager. Success in mentoring is totally dependent on the receptiveness of the mentee and only measured in feedback given from the mentee.
Counselor
A counselor is first and foremost a listener. However, a counselor is an active listener reflecting everything the client says. A counselor makes the best use of time by focusing discussion on one issue at a time until there is a resolution. A counselor helps bring divine calm to a mind fraught with storms. A counselor validates the emotions and intrinsic worth of a client. A counselor is a guide toward reestablishing priorities by refocusing a client’s perspective within the context of the client’s relationship with God. Counseling is time intensive and draining requiring the counselor to know his own emotional limits. Success in counseling is determined by the health of a person’s relationship with God and how that relationship affects interactions with other people. However, because of the qualitative and subjective nature of success/growth measurability is much more difficult to pin down.
Phases of a Session/Meeting
If after the initial meeting both parties consent to begin a discipleship relationship there are certain factors to consider so that proactive growth is pursued. We want to be intentional in how we influence each other so there are certain topics we should address to ensure that the time spent meeting is productive. For the sake of simplicity we will focus our exploration of topics to discuss around goals, positives, negatives, and prayer requests.
Goals
Goals are the business end of the meeting. It’s the easiest thing to lead with because it is more concrete than positives and negatives. Discussion around goals is very focused around measurable tasks and don’t necessarily require the discipler to process emotions or random bits of information in order to piece together a coherent picture. If you lead with goals in your meeting you set the stage for more relaxed and conducive conversation. More often than not the things that trouble people and cause lack of peace are things that can be addressed immediately and concretely. If these things are not addressed first it may be difficult to begin conversation about more intimate and spiritual matters, handling the quantitative aspects of life make way to examine qualitative elements of life.
Defining Goals
When we begin to set goals for ourselves or help others set goals for themselves, the goals must always be life-action oriented. Maturity in our relationship with Jesus Christ isn’t wholly dependent on knowledge, but requires a marriage of information with action.[2] The knowledge we have in Jesus Christ must affect how we approach our relationship with God and our relationship with people. (Matt 22:37-40, Gal 5:14) Therefore, when we begin helping our disciple set goals we must evaluate the role the goal plays in glorifying God, the result of a desire to demonstrate love, and serving people out of love. Those two themes, love for God and love for people, should be the overarching premise from which all our pursuits and actions stem. This mindset helps to guard against the tendencies of selfishness and pride.
Qualitative and Quantitative Goals
The goals that we set should be both measurable and achievable, not vague undefined ideas. Sometimes it is necessary to reshape or break down qualitative goals into quantitative goals. For example:
Qualitative goal: Feel closer to God
Quantitative Goal: 1. Read bible 15min a day
2. 15 min a day in prayer
This isn’t to say that a person that reads more and prays for a specific amount of time every day will be more spiritually mature and closer to God than some who doesn’t; however, these disciplines are characteristic of a person who is regular fellowship with God. If the person that wants to feel closer to God never seeks out God in His Word or prayer then obviously this person will never feel closer to God because this person is not seeking God.[3] Moreover, it is difficult to help encourage or keep someone accountable on something that is subjective such as an emotion or sense of being. Nonetheless, a pitfall to beware of in this type of setting is simply trying to practice behaviors or observe customs out of guilt or obligation towards a person (discipler), because this can lead to legalism. When it comes to a matter of conscience in which the focus is on outward appearance instead of inward quality of relationship with God or we base our worth and strength of God’s love for us on what we do then this is unhealthy.[4] We’ve forgotten the basic principle that God’s love for us is not contingent on what we have to offer God but an undeserved act of grace. [5]
Specific Goals
Oftentimes when people set goals they have huge seemingly shapeless and impossibly massive goals. To give our big goals form we set smaller goals that are component parts of our ultimate end goal. For example, if we have a goal of baking a chocolate cake there are several precursory steps necessary to achieve the desired end goal.
Big Goal: Bake Chocolate Cake
Pre-requisite steps/goals:
1. Buy cake mix
2. Pre-heat oven to 455 degrees Fahrenheit
3. Mix flour and cake mix
4. Add eggs
5. Add water
6. Add vegetable oil
7. Stir
8. Bake in oven 20min
By setting smaller precursory goals it makes the seemingly impossible possible. The task becomes less daunting and more manageable. It also increases the likelihood of ultimate success. By breaking up the big goal into smaller more manageable goals, an individual is more likely to continue pressing toward the end goal if they experience several successful consecutive completions.
Positives and Negatives
Positives and Negatives are simply sections designed to allow a discipler to explore deeper issues in a person’s life. These are exploratory tool that allows us to determine the passions and emotional state of our disciple. Two tools the discipler must employ during this section are active listening and exploratory questions.
Active Listening
Active listening requires the discipler to receive what the disciple says and categorize the information given into appropriate parts. One way a discipler might utilize active listening is by processing what the disciple says about wanting to change their major to physiology, but will discuss how much they hate science classes. After which for the next hour talk about their music classes and how excited they are about musical performance. Given these two contradictory pieces of information it is now up to the discipler to decide which hat(coach, mentor, counselor) he will wear to best bring peace to the inner turmoil felt by the disciple.
Exploratory Questions
When in this phase of the meeting we want to do the opposite of what we did in the goal setting phase. We don’t want to ask questions that will produce yes or no answers. We want to ask probing open-ended questions that allow our disciple to express emotion surrounding concrete topics. By pairing emotions with tasks or circumstances we gain valuable insight into the true motivations and desires of our disciple.
Qualifying Responses
We don’t want to assume that once we receive a response to a question that we totally understand what our disciple is trying to communicate. Even if we think we know what our disciple is getting at we want to ask follow up questions that qualify the statements previously made.
EX:
Discipler: How did the confrontation at school where you were punched in the face make you feel?
Disciple: It made me feel angry
Discipler: What were you mad at? or What caused you to feel mad?
Disciple: I was mad at myself for losing my cool and inciting the guy to hit me by taunting him
In the above example if we stopped at the first question we would most likely assume that our disciple was mad at the guy that hit him. We would assume that he was mad because he was unjustly hit. But by asking further questions that qualify the previous response we stumble on to a larger issue in play that may have roots outside of the altercation our disciple was involved in at school.
How vs. Why
Once we think we have an accurate picture of our disciple and the situation he is in the next step is to lead our disciple out of a state of confusion or restlessness into a state of clarity and peace. We are now moving our session back into the realm of quantitative discussion. A “why” question produces qualitative responses that do not lead to resolution or growth. “Why” questions are passive, not action oriented. Growth will not occur from passivity, we must be proactive in pursuing the Holy Spirit to allow Him to transform us, and then be deliberate in pursuing the course of action required of us as we respond to the opportunities the Holy Spirit provides for growth.
Prayer
To close out the session it is important to bring all the things that were talked about back into spiritual perspective. Over the course of our dialogue about measurable tasks and emotions the natural tendency is to lose focus of how all of this is supposed to be related to helping us grow to become mature in our relationship with Jesus Christ. Even though our actions and thinking are informed by our understanding of scripture it is still possible to try to effect spiritual growth through the sheer physical means of men. However, we understand from scripture that true transformation and spiritual growth doesn’t occur without the power of the Holy Spirit. [6]
The act of prayer is one of submission to the will and power of Jesus Christ. It helps to clarify why we desire to grow. It puts our motivations up to the scrutiny of scripture and the Holy Spirit. Prayer serves as a final hinge point of evaluation for all that we desire to do. Because we are indebted to Jesus Christ and live to serve His purposes we must evaluate, through prayer, whether the things we are praying for are aligned to the purposes and desires of Jesus Christ. [7]
Prayer is also an affirmation of our loyalty, a verbalization of our love for God by describing our understanding of His purpose and intentions for our lives. Through prayer we show our love for Him in lifting up our concern, thereby demonstrating love, for the needs of others. We affirm our agreement to the will of Jesus. In other instances we yield to His purposes although at this time we do not understand the cause or reason behind certain events. Within in the context of the relationship between discipler and disciple prayer is an outward demonstration of love by showing that we paid attention to what the other person said. We demonstrate our maturity and love in the content of what we pray for one another. When it comes to this section of the meeting I advise both parties praying. I also advise allowing the disciple to first verbalize the results of what were just discussed so that we understand what might be going on in their head and to allow us the opportunity to clarify or expound upon ideas that the disciple brings up that might not have even been brought up during the meeting.
Discipleship Session Template
Goals:
Positives:
Negatives:
Prayer Requests:
Tips for Meetings
Frequency:
Determine how often you will have to meet. It varies from person to person and is affected by life situations that might occur in a person’s life. Generally, the more mature a person is the less often you will have to meet. Another factor to consider is shape your relationship takes and the role you play in the life of your disciple. Mentoring and Coaching sessions are only necessitated by tasks, so if the volume of tasks is high then more meetings will be required, vice versa. If you’ve taken the role of counselor or friend then you may meet more often just because you enjoy talking to one another. Extenuating circumstances that cause high stress that might be the cause more meetings as well.
Posturing:
Body language and positioning play a big role into making a person feel comfortable in talking to us. If we have a closed or avoidant body posture the disciple is less likely to trust us and will be less talkative. We want to maintain a body position of alert attentiveness showing interest and care in how we listen. We must also be careful to not be in a body position that might communicate disapproval or superiority. Nods of the head and appropriate eye contact go along way toward making someone feel heard.
Atmosphere:
Where you meet is totally dictated by the comfort of your disciple. Some people like talking in places that are busy and full of chatter. Other people prefer quiet and serene settings. Where you meet is also affected by what you talk about. A person’s sense of private varies according to the content discussed. It might be easier for a person to talk about time management in a coffee shop, but very difficult to talk about pornography or substance abuse. These factors should influence where we meet.
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